Brian Thayer

I had to post this here. This is my current favorite YouTube video. I have watched it over 10 times between yesterday and today and am sure I will watch it again.
Very, very clever.

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do…

the door was left open a crack
giving the opportunity for you to step in
to explore what’s on the other side

maybe just a foot at first
a chance to test the waters
of something new
set within something familiar

you stood just outside
perhaps placing your palm
upon the door
reluctant to open it any further
resistant to my offer

i stood inside
placing my palm
upon the door
searching for movement
to give me a sign

we stood still
an impassable barrier between us
that we could not see through
or feel through

“good night”
were your final words
before you closed the door
and walked away

Yes, he’s a few years older than most of the others but he is right there whenever I need him; he is in pretty great shape and his performance still excites me.

I’m talking about my car, people … get your minds out of the gutter.

This past weekend was my first Sunday off from work in quite some time. Seriously, I can’t remember the last Sunday I had off. I requested this day off many weeks ago so that I could attend my BFF’s baby shower. (It was a ‘Jack and Jill’ type shower so guys could go too.) I was looking forward to my day off and being there to support my BFF, but was not expecting to re-fall in love on such a beautiful fall day.

Living in downtown Northampton, I don’t have to drive very much. I can walk to everything in town and even if I do drive, it tends to be in the surrounding area and not very often. For the most part my car just sits in the parking lot. I’ve only been living downtown for just over a year so it hasn’t always been this way.

In my previous job of 11.5 years, I used to be a serious commuter. I had commutes of over an hour each way many times throughout my employment with that company. While there were moments when I hated driving that much and would want to just be home at the end of the day, for the most part I enjoyed my drive time. It gave me time to put in a CD (pre-iPod days) and unwind from the stressful day. I really enjoyed driving and still do; I just don’t do it very often anymore. (Plus, my car needs some work and I don’t feel comfortable driving it very far right now.)

Sunday arrives and I spend the morning hanging out for a bit with a friend who needed some support. The shower started at 1:00 and I spoke to my BFF earlier to tell her I would be a little late. So after spending some time with my friend, around 12:30ish I got back home, changed and headed out to my car.

Because he has been sitting more than driven, I went to the gas station and took a few moments to check a few of the basics … got gas … checked the oil … checked tire pressure. Yes, there is part of my father in there somewhere. I actually did have to add oil so I am glad I checked.

My BFF lives about 30 minutes south of where I live … almost all highway. I really like ‘back road’ driving to get around the area. But part of me still enjoys getting on the highway and just floating along at 70mph enjoying good music. That’s what I did and the love began to resurface.

I love my car. Seriously LOVE my car. It’s not new or flashy or high tech or sporty. It’s a 1992 Volvo 850GLT … big, boxy, tank-like, safe … and I love it. I have admired this specific make/model since 1992 when it was first introduced to the US. Because of my love and admiration, I knew that someday I would own a Volvo … I never expected it to be the exact year, model, and color that I had always dreamed of owning. It took about 15 years to manifest, but I did it!

You are probably thinking, “YIKES! You bought a 1992 car in 2007?” To which I say, “Absolutely!!”

The short story is that I needed more reliable transportation. For shits and giggles, I was seeing what was out there for a used Volvo that I could afford (which was not much). That’s when I found it and I couldn’t believe my eyes. I IMMEDIATELY picked up the phone to call the auto dealer to clarify what I read:

1992 Volvo 850GLT in great condition … here’s the kicker …

… are you ready? …

… I certainly wasn’t …

… ready? …

ONLY 77,000 MILES!!!!! HOLY *&$% !!!!!!

I went down to Connecticut THAT day and it was love at first sight. The test drive was like a first kiss, I was nervous and excited. I put a deposit on it to hold it while I moved some money around in my accounts and decided what to do with the vehicle I was driving. I will always remember the following week when I signed the papers, got in the car, drove down the road to get some gas, and headed north on my 1+ hour highway drive home with my new love. I will admit, I cried a little on the way home … I was so happy.

It’s been almost 3 years now and there is still under 100,000 miles on my car. I am still happy every time I get into my car. Yes, there is some work that needs to be done but it still runs well and the body is solid with no signs of rust and very few, very minor dents & scratches, and the interior is in great shape. This was truly meant to be my car.

So on Sunday we reunited (and it felt so good). Hitting the highway and remembering how much I love my car and taking him for a nice highway drive with the sun shining, windows down, and iPod playlist on shuffle. I feel there is something almost therapeutic about driving alone in one’s car on the highway (as long as there is no traffic). The floaty feel of driving 70mph … the hypnotic repetition of the broken white lines …

For me it becomes a therapy session where I can think things through, find the appropriate song(s) to express what I am feeling, and sing out the emotion(s) at the top of my lungs. I don’t care what others think. Everyone does it at some point and I love seeing people singing in their cars. Much better than road rage, right? And I don’t have to pay a therapist for the session.

Sunday was a great day. I was with friends all day (went out for food/drinks when I got home) which is very important for me right now. And as an added bonus, I had some wonderful therapy time driving and singing in my car … which I love.

I predict another driving date is in our immediate future.

Very appropriate song for my “Doubly Difficult Day” …

Monday morning, “M” (my boyfriend) and I had a pretty intense blow out. The conversation ended with me not knowing if we were breaking up or not. I had a pretty hard day and am fortunate to have the best friends that I have. It would have been near impossible to make it through the day without them.

It was also fortunate that I only had one 90-minute session scheduled in the office. It was really difficult to get grounded and centered with so much on my mind. But one of the aspects of my work that I love is that sessions sometimes shift things for not only my client but myself as well. Getting myself into a calm, centered, grounded state of neutrality can do wonders for shifting my vibration.

Monday night I decided to put on my headphones and go for a walk around town. I really enjoy an evening walk around downtown on beautiful nights; and I feel very fortunate to live in such a wonderful place.

My walk lead me to a bench outside the courthouse which is directly in the center of town. It’s a nice little spot with some grass and right near the main intersection of town. People watching is very good there … and people watching in this town is always very interesting.

The entire walk my mind was focused on my relationship. Wondering what was going to happen; where it was headed. Still not feeling so great about things. Until a sudden shift in thought occurred …

I have been, what I call, a ‘student’ of the Law of Attraction for a few years now. Primarily studying the teachings of Abraham. I greatly enjoy their teachings and they resonate greatly with me. To summarize in an extremely over simplified way, their message is that “Life is supposed to feel good.” So I intentionally began to change my thoughts, thereby changing my vibration. The internal monologue went a little something like this …

“My relationship with “M” is in a rough place right now. Things are not at all where I hoped / thought they would be at this point. Our conversation this morning was tough and I really don’t know where we are headed.”

“Things weren’t always this rocky. I remember the first night we hung out. How great it felt to really connect with someone on so many levels. I remember being nervous and scared and excited. I remember our first kiss. We hung out for hours talking, kissing, cuddling, laughing and getting to know each other … it seemed magical.”

“I remember how we couldn’t see each other for a several days because of prior commitments. But on the 6th day of not seeing each other “M” snuck away for a couple hours just to come over so we could see each other for a little bit. I remember how excited we were whenever we saw each other; the huge smiles on both our faces. I remember the cute (and sexual) text messages we would send one another. I remember smiling and blushing whenever anyone asked my about “M” and how we were doing. I was like a giddy teenager.”

I began to think about the wedding we went to together. A friend of mine got married in a beautiful outdoor ceremony and reception. It was such a wonderful afternoon. We held hands, kissed, smiled a lot, and the best part, for me, was our first dance as a couple. It was an amazingly special day … and I was falling in love.

Back in the present, on the bench, I smiled. Love. I felt love. And somehow in that moment I knew, that no matter what happens with the relationship, I had felt love. How lucky am I!! What a wonderful thing to feel love. Even if it is for simply a brief moment of time in my life. To find moments of love is the highest degree of “life is supposed to feel good.” When we find these moments of love, we are in alignment with our higher self; and that feels amazing.

In that moment, a sense of peace washed over me. I had shifted my vibration and was no longer in a negative space. I always have the option of re-framing a situation or experience to see either the positive or the negative. Sometimes it is hard to find the positive; but with practice it gets easier to shift. I was glad to remember that as I sat on the bench and happy that I was able to put into practice what I have been learning.

I got up from the bench and walked around town a little more; but now in a better emotional space. I walked around knowing (and feeling) that no matter what was to come, I had experienced something wonderful. Regardless of the outcome, I will carry that with me always. There are some who are not fortunate or open enough to allow love into their life. I am lucky enough to have found it again. Yes … again …

I loved my ex-husband. On some level I still do, and probably always will. Our separation was amicable, but it was still tough. We’ve known each other since high school; which means we’ve known each other for half our lives. Plus we lived together for almost 9 of the 12.5 years we were together. Ending a relationship like that was very difficult (still is at times) and made me question love … and whether I would feel it again.

I did. And I am glad. If it is to end here, I will walk away with amazing memories from our time together. In the grand scheme of things it might be considered a very brief period of time. But love has no concept of time. Corny, yes … but nonetheless true.

The bottom line is that I felt it … and that will remain forever part of my heart, my spirit, my vibration. And because of that, I am ready and strong enough for whatever happens next in my life. I am eternally grateful for this experience and feel fortunate that “M” and I met.

I wish all of you much love.

For those who don’t know about Damien Rice, I HIGHLY recommend you check out his work. It is some of the most beautiful, emotional, heart-wrenching, loving, brilliantly written music I have ever heard. I saw him live with my ex-husband a few years back and to this day still stands as one of the most emotionally charged concerts I have ever seen. His music moves me like no one else’s ever has. Here is a small taste …

Last week, as I was surfing through blogs that my friends follow, I came across a post that struck a cord with me … What IF: I continue to show up? The opening part about showing up in her relationship was very interesting to me. Felt like it hit a little too close to home. While I was never told those exact words, I was seeing/experiencing the actions that made me resonate so closely with her words.

It’s got me thinking over the past week … When does showing up become too much? And does one continue to show up when the feelings are not mutual? Does it at some point become too needy or ‘clingy’? What if showing up starts pushing the other away?

When one realizes that the other does not feel the same does one continue to show up with the hopes of changing the other person? Because I never want to change anyone. I show up with the hope that the other will see what a loving, open, affectionate, giving person I am; and hope that is enough to stimulate attraction and yield reciprocal feelings.  But when the others words and actions are clearly very different what happens to showing up? How much can one continue to show up and give without getting back? How long before it begins to wear away and change one’s feelings?

I admire the author’s persistence in showing up and I agree with her writing on many levels. I like when she says,

Showing up means pulling yourself up by your bootstraps when you are terrified and feeling small and unimportant. It means digging deep and pulling through. It means sacrificing everything because you just know that something amazing is right around the next corner waiting to scoop you up and shower you with love.

I get it on some level. I do. And I am not saying that I am not willing to put in the effort. I have been putting in the effort. But how many times does one pull him/herself up before learning the other wants you down?

I’ve obviously posed more questions in this post than statements. I guess I’m looking for lots of answers. (Aren’t we all though?) I trust they will come in time. I just wish it wasn’t so frustrating in the meantime.

“Love after Love”
by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.