Brian Thayer

Yesterday was a tough day, as I believe was evident in my posts. Lots of emotional ups and downs … some tears. But through it all, I didn’t fight it. I didn’t try to ‘snap out of it’ or make myself feel better. I allowed myself to be in it … to experience it all. I believe this is a very important part of the process of loss that I learned from my brother during my separation from “J”. If I need to cry … cry. If I need to get angry … get angry. Whatever it is, don’t hold it back or stuff it down. In the long run that doesn’t do any good.

(Side bar … As I finished typing that last sentence, I looked out the window to see a monarch butterfly right outside my screen. It landed on the window ledge just long enough for me to admire its beauty and smile. A gift from the universe. Perhaps a gentle reminder that this life is filled with so many wonderful, beautiful moments. They are always there if you just take a moment to stop and look. Thank you.)

This allowing of one’s self to process feelings and emotions has a significant cross over into my work with CranioSacral Therapy (CST). In CST we work with what are know as Energy Cysts. These are physical, palpable energetic disruptions in the body caused by trauma. The trauma can be physical, mental, emotional or spiritual and can be of any severity. Whether or not the body ‘holds on’ to a trauma, creating an energy cyst, depends on many factors (I won’t go into all of them at this time). An energy cyst can be created if your body can not process the trauma at that time. So the body protects us by ‘walling off’ the trauma and putting it aside to deal with later, at a time when we have all the faculties to process and release it fully.

This is a greatly simplified explanation, so I hope you are getting the gist.

What happens is that these energetic disruptions that the body is holding on to, waiting to process, can begin to cause changes to the tissues of the body. These changes over time can become chronic health issues. That can be trouble from just one energy cyst. The fact is that most of us have not one or two, but many of varying severity. All waiting to be processed to allow the body to return to homeostasis. (Again, greatly simplified.)

So my belief is that by allowing myself to really be in it, feel it, allow it to happen and not shove it down, I am processing the emotions (or energy) as they are occurring. By doing this I am preventing the need for my body to hold on to any of it to have to return a later time. It may not feel great at the time, but it is very healthy.

Yesterday was a tough day. But today seems that much easier because I allowed myself to process so much. I’m sure there is more to come … more stuff will come up. And I feel confident that when it does I will recognize it, spend some time with it, and allow it to pass. It might not be easy, but it sure beats ill health or dealing with it again later.

I hope you think about this the next time and event occurs that shakes you up a bit; and I hope you spend a little time allowing yourself to be in it.

Very appropriate song for my “Doubly Difficult Day” …

Monday morning, “M” (my boyfriend) and I had a pretty intense blow out. The conversation ended with me not knowing if we were breaking up or not. I had a pretty hard day and am fortunate to have the best friends that I have. It would have been near impossible to make it through the day without them.

It was also fortunate that I only had one 90-minute session scheduled in the office. It was really difficult to get grounded and centered with so much on my mind. But one of the aspects of my work that I love is that sessions sometimes shift things for not only my client but myself as well. Getting myself into a calm, centered, grounded state of neutrality can do wonders for shifting my vibration.

Monday night I decided to put on my headphones and go for a walk around town. I really enjoy an evening walk around downtown on beautiful nights; and I feel very fortunate to live in such a wonderful place.

My walk lead me to a bench outside the courthouse which is directly in the center of town. It’s a nice little spot with some grass and right near the main intersection of town. People watching is very good there … and people watching in this town is always very interesting.

The entire walk my mind was focused on my relationship. Wondering what was going to happen; where it was headed. Still not feeling so great about things. Until a sudden shift in thought occurred …

I have been, what I call, a ‘student’ of the Law of Attraction for a few years now. Primarily studying the teachings of Abraham. I greatly enjoy their teachings and they resonate greatly with me. To summarize in an extremely over simplified way, their message is that “Life is supposed to feel good.” So I intentionally began to change my thoughts, thereby changing my vibration. The internal monologue went a little something like this …

“My relationship with “M” is in a rough place right now. Things are not at all where I hoped / thought they would be at this point. Our conversation this morning was tough and I really don’t know where we are headed.”

“Things weren’t always this rocky. I remember the first night we hung out. How great it felt to really connect with someone on so many levels. I remember being nervous and scared and excited. I remember our first kiss. We hung out for hours talking, kissing, cuddling, laughing and getting to know each other … it seemed magical.”

“I remember how we couldn’t see each other for a several days because of prior commitments. But on the 6th day of not seeing each other “M” snuck away for a couple hours just to come over so we could see each other for a little bit. I remember how excited we were whenever we saw each other; the huge smiles on both our faces. I remember the cute (and sexual) text messages we would send one another. I remember smiling and blushing whenever anyone asked my about “M” and how we were doing. I was like a giddy teenager.”

I began to think about the wedding we went to together. A friend of mine got married in a beautiful outdoor ceremony and reception. It was such a wonderful afternoon. We held hands, kissed, smiled a lot, and the best part, for me, was our first dance as a couple. It was an amazingly special day … and I was falling in love.

Back in the present, on the bench, I smiled. Love. I felt love. And somehow in that moment I knew, that no matter what happens with the relationship, I had felt love. How lucky am I!! What a wonderful thing to feel love. Even if it is for simply a brief moment of time in my life. To find moments of love is the highest degree of “life is supposed to feel good.” When we find these moments of love, we are in alignment with our higher self; and that feels amazing.

In that moment, a sense of peace washed over me. I had shifted my vibration and was no longer in a negative space. I always have the option of re-framing a situation or experience to see either the positive or the negative. Sometimes it is hard to find the positive; but with practice it gets easier to shift. I was glad to remember that as I sat on the bench and happy that I was able to put into practice what I have been learning.

I got up from the bench and walked around town a little more; but now in a better emotional space. I walked around knowing (and feeling) that no matter what was to come, I had experienced something wonderful. Regardless of the outcome, I will carry that with me always. There are some who are not fortunate or open enough to allow love into their life. I am lucky enough to have found it again. Yes … again …

I loved my ex-husband. On some level I still do, and probably always will. Our separation was amicable, but it was still tough. We’ve known each other since high school; which means we’ve known each other for half our lives. Plus we lived together for almost 9 of the 12.5 years we were together. Ending a relationship like that was very difficult (still is at times) and made me question love … and whether I would feel it again.

I did. And I am glad. If it is to end here, I will walk away with amazing memories from our time together. In the grand scheme of things it might be considered a very brief period of time. But love has no concept of time. Corny, yes … but nonetheless true.

The bottom line is that I felt it … and that will remain forever part of my heart, my spirit, my vibration. And because of that, I am ready and strong enough for whatever happens next in my life. I am eternally grateful for this experience and feel fortunate that “M” and I met.

I wish all of you much love.

For those who don’t know about Damien Rice, I HIGHLY recommend you check out his work. It is some of the most beautiful, emotional, heart-wrenching, loving, brilliantly written music I have ever heard. I saw him live with my ex-husband a few years back and to this day still stands as one of the most emotionally charged concerts I have ever seen. His music moves me like no one else’s ever has. Here is a small taste …

Last week, as I was surfing through blogs that my friends follow, I came across a post that struck a cord with me … What IF: I continue to show up? The opening part about showing up in her relationship was very interesting to me. Felt like it hit a little too close to home. While I was never told those exact words, I was seeing/experiencing the actions that made me resonate so closely with her words.

It’s got me thinking over the past week … When does showing up become too much? And does one continue to show up when the feelings are not mutual? Does it at some point become too needy or ‘clingy’? What if showing up starts pushing the other away?

When one realizes that the other does not feel the same does one continue to show up with the hopes of changing the other person? Because I never want to change anyone. I show up with the hope that the other will see what a loving, open, affectionate, giving person I am; and hope that is enough to stimulate attraction and yield reciprocal feelings.  But when the others words and actions are clearly very different what happens to showing up? How much can one continue to show up and give without getting back? How long before it begins to wear away and change one’s feelings?

I admire the author’s persistence in showing up and I agree with her writing on many levels. I like when she says,

Showing up means pulling yourself up by your bootstraps when you are terrified and feeling small and unimportant. It means digging deep and pulling through. It means sacrificing everything because you just know that something amazing is right around the next corner waiting to scoop you up and shower you with love.

I get it on some level. I do. And I am not saying that I am not willing to put in the effort. I have been putting in the effort. But how many times does one pull him/herself up before learning the other wants you down?

I’ve obviously posed more questions in this post than statements. I guess I’m looking for lots of answers. (Aren’t we all though?) I trust they will come in time. I just wish it wasn’t so frustrating in the meantime.

“Love after Love”
by Derek Walcott

The time will come
when, with elation,
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror,
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

we are controlled
by chemicals

epinephrine
acetylcholine
caffeine
nicotine
alcohol
Love

Love is chemical
in the most complex way

we meet
adrenaline rushes
hearts race
palms sweat

serotonin floods
we feel euphoric
giddy

we kiss
we make Love
we fill with oxytocin
we hold each other
close

we settle happily
into each others arms
vasopressin circulates
the bond grows strong

but Love is chemical
in the most complex way

chemicals break down
returning our bodies
to homeostasis

normal levels
balance
physiological neutrality

leaving us to once again
crave
another chemical rush

‎”Isn’t it mysterious how so many wonderful things in life come to us seemingly without our planning? We start traveling down one street, and we find ourselves interested in something we never expected on a side street; and, as we explore it, the side street becomes the main road for us.” ~Fred Rogers

Last week, my friend Marian from runaway sentence posted this quote as her Facebook status and I quickly copied it to mine. I have been thinking about my blog for the past few weeks and wondering what direction I want to go with my posts. I realized this morning that it is not a direction at all, but rather a side street.

Since starting my blogs I have spent a lot of time figuring out exactly what the blog should be focused on, what the theme would be, what content to include and more specifically what content NOT to include. I’ve feared being too personal, putting myself out there too much, and opening myself up for judgment. Judgment from friends, family, colleagues, clients, and complete strangers. Unfortunately, because of this, I have ended up giving an odd, fragmented picture of who I really am.

Even writing this I am hesitant and conflicted about saying too much. But on some level I feel it is important for me to work on this new level of self expression and exploration.

I’m not the best writer. My vocabulary is deficient. I often have trouble clearly expressing myself. Ideas and concepts don’t always make it to the page the way I intended. All excuses I have given to not just sit down and write. This is what needs to change.

Today is the beginning of a new exploration down a new side street. I’m not sure where it leads, what’s down there, or how long of a street it may be. But I won’t know unless I make the turn and start traveling down the street. I would never know if it is to become my main road if I don’t actually make the turn.

So here I am standing, looking down this new side street. No guarantees. No expectations. A simple exploration. And I just took my first step …

These came to me during my hike this past Tuesday. Fortunately, I decided to bring a journal with me on this hike — I usually don’t, but will from now on. These are ‘as is’ … no revisions were made to these at all. I feel as if they downloaded to me in the moment. I wasn’t even writing at the time. I had to quickly pull out my journal on two separate occasions to quickly jot these down as I was a little shocked that they just popped into my head.

Why the lengthy explanation about two simple haiku? This is not like me at all. I’m not a writer. I don’t sit around thinking about or writing haiku. There was something about this hike that helped me reconnect with my inner being and the ‘something larger than myself’. So when these came, I paid attention. And here they are …

elevation gives
awareness of that which is
important and true

the ascent is tough
but once there, it’s up to me
when to go back down